I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Of course I have a pirate flag
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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