I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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