I just threw up on my dentist
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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