Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
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look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
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Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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