It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
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who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
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I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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