Life is so much better after having sex.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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