I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.