hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.