Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
