I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
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