Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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