Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
