I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
