Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Randomize
