I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
