Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
