So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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