There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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