It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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