One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
