he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
