U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
