before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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