how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
