so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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