Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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