I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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