I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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