There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
