When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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