He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
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He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
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your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
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