remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
