I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
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Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
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I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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