So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??