I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.