just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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