Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
