A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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