I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
