Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
