my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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