would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
