I cannot find my penis.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
