my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
