Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
