Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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