I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
