instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
