I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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