Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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