random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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