the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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