come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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