I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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