From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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