Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
