PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
